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Cropped Out

April, 2005 Yawn. Loud slurp of coffee. I shuffle to the living room, flop down on the couch. For twenty minutes, I stare at a wall. Then I pad over to my computer to check my email. There it is: the...

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Meeting New Year’s With Resolve

At 9:20 this morning, I considered making a New Year’s resolution. At 9:21, my diaphragm quivered. A sheen of sweat broke out over my upper lip. At 9:22, I vomited a little into the back of my mouth....

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Exposure

This is the first urban apartment-building in which I’ve lived. It’s large – imposing, even – and is set on the corner of a major thoroughfare. My apartment is at the far end of the sixth, and highest,...

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They Scare Me

They move freely among us with comfort and with ease, and we barely give them a thought. Or perhaps we’re just too afraid. Because on some level, we all register their potential to inflict anguish. To...

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The Password

“I’m sorry,” my friend tells me. ”That’s the one thing about this computer. It asks for a password that I don’t remember.” She sighs. ”Okay. First try the basics. Welcome, user, admin. Stuff like that....

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The Red Shoes

Firehouse red, they are. Or, as known to others, ”fuck-me” red. They’re shiny, too, but too cute to be called slutty. Having modest heels (my podiatrist would actually approve) and dainty red bows on...

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The Wedding Guest

Diane and I met and became friends in our junior year of college. She was a psychology major: caring, sensitive, compassionate. Better, she was funny and liked to smoke pot. The perfect companion....

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I Wouldn’t Kick Obama Out of Bed

Admittedly, President Obama will probably never grace my bed. There are too many impediments: wars, our clashing schedules, concern for public opinion. But if he did, I’d sure as hell let him stay. I...

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My Father’s Daughter, The Pope

February 28th is my father’s birthday. It’s also the day the Pope will step down. Gift-wise, this does not work to my advantage. A blender, weed-whacker or soy candle will no longer suffice. Because...

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The Parking Chronicles VI

I’ve been contending with a wretched parking situation for almost ten years. (Low rent, nice apartment. The golden handcuffs.) Ten years of. . . No! I refuse to re-regale you with the details. Suffice...

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My New Phone

I upgraded to a smart phone last week. Now I have a phone that’s 2,800 times smarter than I am. You know what disturbs me about this? The fact that I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me that my phone...

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The Facebook Debacle

I’m turning the key in the ignition, ready to leave for work. My new smartphone alerts me to a message. I pick it up and look. “The piece is good,” my uncle has posted on my Facebook page. “But. . .”...

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The Mystery Of The Blue Ass

I’m loathe to admit it, but the heat in my office occasionally gives rise to a generously proportioned zit on my ass. It’s usually nestled between the cheeks, hidden from view unless one goes looking....

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A Dip On The Sabbath

“I’m sorry, dear,” the hotel manager tells me when I go to buy my beach pass. “The beach is closed until 1:00 today.” It’s 7:30 a.m., day three of my four-day vacation at the Jersey shore. I’ve just...

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Blog Rebellion

So. This is the part where I try to let go and be freer in my blog, because people are making me suggesting it. It’s the part where I acknowledge that I’m excessively enamored with semi-colons, spot-on...

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Independence Day: Set Me Free From. . .

I’d like to be free of the apostrophe that renders my name ”June O&!#%*Hara.” I’d like to be free of the need to eat after I’ve brushed and flossed for the night. Free of my lust for White Castle...

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Insomnia: An Email To My Guy Friend

Hey Brad, It’s the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. I should go clean out the fridge or twist myself into some yoga poses, but I’m emailing you instead. How goes the search for Vivian’s birthday...

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Your Therapist’s Secrets

Did you ever wonder what your therapist is thinking? A therapist myself, I’ll disclose some things she probably won’t tell you: There are weeks you have it more together than she does. She sometimes...

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The Heat Wave: Epiphanies and Confessions

It’s been sweltering hot the last few days. I A) have no air conditioning except in my bedroom — a room so chaotic, it’s hard to find the bed; B) am pathologically attached to my living room; C) am on...

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My Beau, The King of Quirks

My boyfriend and I are two peas in a very strange pod. Jake, my boyfriend’s name is. He’s an editor; we’ve been in a relationship for almost five years. He’s more mature than I am, but no less quirky....

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